Slow things down....?

Am I appearing desperate and rushing for things between us? I think maybe I should restrain and let things slow down and linger for a while.

At least that was from the horoscope :)

She looked happy today. Am I so important to her, I wonder sometimes. Maybe I should not think so much and try to enjoy and cherish it while it still lasts. We had some idle chat throughout the afternoon. Maybe we should not try too hard though, since we can run out of topics real fast sometimes.

A Story about Life, Death and Renewal

Yes, it was "My Sister's Keeper". The decision of the cancer plagued girl to bring her life to the end of the journey.

The story plot unfolds with the introduction of each family member. After this, the rest of the plot unfolds through the recall from both sisters, mainly. There were small inserts from the father and the brother, but the main meat came from the photo sketch book the older sister made.

The older sister knew she would not make it through the kidney transplant, since she was in a really bad shape. Instead of sacrificing her younger sister (well, she need her kidney, right?), she chose to release the family. She knew she had been the source of sacrifice. She felt that the time was ripe. It's strange, but dying people are acutely sensitive and truthful.

Her life was always surrounded by love; her mother fiercely protecting her, she had a romantic relationship which ended abruptly (what happened to him was not revealed), and her siblings supporting her biggest decision in life. If I were her, I would have been more than satisfied. What more can I ask when my life itself is a pain?

Local Men and Women

We chatted about what local men see in local women. She loves reading blog and well, shared a few with me.

I prided myself as a good listener, and the topic was interesting too. Hmm. As usual, the local men do not have a high opinion. She was objective in listing and commenting on their views. The usual items like how women looking for material comfort in men. I guess it's the same for other societies as well.

For these men, I would like them to stand back and take a look at themselves. What have they to offer to these women? Or maybe they have started looking in the wrong places? These "bad" women are just a small minority; there are still so many good women around. Probably they think themselves as a higher class, and expect their women to be lower than them?

We also exchanged ideas on the wife concept. Funny. I commented that I would wish my wife to work after marriage. A financially independent woman will show self-confidence and self-respect, which is charming to me (and most men, I hope). If I want an obedient wife, I will go for a maid.

I want a wife who can laugh together with me, comfort each other in sadness and restrain me when I get carried away. I should reciprocate, but in a much gently manner. I guess this is what I truly look for in a partner, or any soul mate.

Confessions...

Maybe things weren't really that bad. We cleared our chest for almost the entire day.

Started off with "500 days of Summer", which led to the BITCH issue. Clearly she knew I was referring to her, and she was apparently very unhappy. I had to apologized, since clearly I was at fault. I had broken my commitment to the gentleman and chivalry code, and on top of that, insulted the dignity of another person. Revenge is sweet at the beginning, but turned bitter eventually. Finally learnt this.

Obviously she wouldn't want to go on a movie date with me. So I guessed it's a loner adventure tomorrow.

Now, I am really confused by her and myself. I seemed to still hold feelings for her. The happy feelings arose when I chatted with her. Now she posted a song on FB. Was it intended for me?

Earlier on, my tarot readings showed that my Lady would be one I felt impossible. And it seemed that she can break some hearts, due to some commitment issues (maybe of the scars?). Can it be her? Should I give in and try wooing her back again?

I gave in again...

Guess what? I got her a gift again. A small diary for 2010. 3 consecutive years.

Her birthday coming soon...

Frankly I don't think I will get her anything or do anything. She has her man by her side, I presume. I will only be a sore to everyone.

I am true to myself, and seriously I don't see any motivation or reasons to do anything for her anymore. She used to say I was encouraging. I wrote little notes to her when I saw she was down. She had never done anything like that.

Gosh! So I was really in my little world all this time after all...

Is she upset? I wonder...

It wasn't really intentional, but I was rushing for time and frankly, I don't feel comfortable with walking with her too.

Anyway, it was just a coincidence that she was walking along the same path at the same time. I walked on the other side of the path, briskly since I was short of time. She probably saw me, and maybe thought I was just avoiding her. I don't deny there is a little bit of that, but frankly what else can happen?

I guess things will never be the same again. We can never go back to the times when we can walk side by side and chatting little things again...

Mastering the Art of French Cooking :)

Watched this fun movie this evening "Julie and Julia" (or the other way round :)

In the movie, you get to watch not one, but two lifelines. The storyboarding is similar to "500 days of Summer", in that you see scenes alternating between the two casts. The younger cast starts her cooking project and a blog based on this project, 524 recipes in 365 days. You see a lot of frustration building up, which I suspect the book will probably give more details on her cooking experience.

It was a little sad though, that Julia (the older cast) was not approving of the project (for whatever reason, it was not disclosed in the movie). But you got to admire her spirit in undertaking and completing this project. I hope I will undertake my project soon too :)

And yes, I would like to take a glimpse of that legendary cookbook :)

Felt much better...

I don't know why too, it just suddenly feels so light. Maybe the cleaning up really helps :)

The Tarot readings is starting to get weird. I cannot fully understand it any more. Maybe I should take a break.

My first feeling is that I always seemed to be the last option of everyone. Am I so unlovable, such a loser? Such that people will only realize how good I am after the whole trouble? After so many circling?

Somehow, I am beginning to lose hope and faith in finding love. No matter how the cards say, what I can see now is despair and disappointment.

What I Want in a Potential Partner, well at least...

After these years, I had defined certain criteria for a potential partner. At this point, I finally knew that it is impossible not to have certain criteria. Those who say "everything is OK" just do not know what this criteria is.

1. She has to have a mind of her own. I would prefer her to be a bit more decisive, but at the same time sometimes give way to randomness :). For me, I can wake up in the morning, take a random bus and drop off at a random stop, just to see where I can land. I don't expect everyone to be as crazy as I am, but that is about what I mean.
2. I hope she is not as picky on food. It's just too hard to pick a food spot if she is, or at least she can be a little bit more adventurous on tasting. Well, I have changed too :)
3. It's interesting, but when you are in love, you will view every of her little habits in a "lovingly" way. When things turn sour, you will pick on every of them (trust me, it happens :). I hope she will not have certain special habits.
4. I hope she has the same intellect or thinking manner as me. If she does not, I will not want her to try too hard. It works two ways: I may not be on the same level with her too, and I do not wish to be seem trying too hard. It's lame, and tiring, but at least I wish her to speak up and be honest in a "nice" way, which I hope I can reciprocate just as well.
5. Hopefully she grooms well, but then I can always help. The more important thing is, she should be receptive of this kind of things.

I will pen more if I can think of more :)

Another Movie this week :)

Was unplanned. Just happened that we were moving towards AMK, and dropping by the cinema. Even the show selection was almost random.

I wanted "J+J", but she preferred "Imagine That". Haha, and then she regretted afterwards.

Good family show. Nice ending :)

I love the King :)

P.S.: She is just another close friend of mine :)

Having 2nd thoughts...

Came across a clip about "Unconditional Love", for a daughter. I began to feel bad about the justice I served. She was, after all, her father's daughter. And the thing is that, I looked upon her as one ignorant young girl now. Should I still be angry and bothered with her?

I know I shouldn't, but I can't help feeling that I would fall into the TRAP if I did this. I decided to keep it this way. Probably this will be the best for both of us, or the three of us. Like I said earlier, I can't help feeling I had set things up the way it is now, like some unknown powers and foresight. I still do not understand what all this means.

I know she is probably satisfied with the situation now. I have a feeling that she will not be truly happy with that man, but well, she begged for it. I have no qualms about it. I have more to worry about. I still want to cultivate the "Heart of Stone".

Does she have the right to be angry with me? Sure. Because I have served justice to her in the most severe manner, even though I knew she does not fully understand it. She is too ignorant for this. And I believe, at this point, that this is the best possible way things can turn out.

Do I have the right then? Not really, if I still cherished gentlemanly and chivalry manners. But I do not want to be seen as a "Mr. Nice Guy" anymore. I want to voice out and make known my feelings and thoughts.

"I shall hold both the sword with the crown, and hopefully the chalice as well. The wand shall be laid on my back, to signify the fire, the energy and the passion I have within me. The pentacle shall be my base, to remind me of my earthly roots and my potential as a provider."

Rainy Thursday...

Today seemed a long day. Nothing urgent pressing on me. Mostly spending my time looking out at the trees through my windows.

The MSN personal messages became my "blog". I had just typed in anything I observed and interpreted in it.

"The trees seemed to be inviting me for the shower and the wind."
"The tree out there seemed to be reaching for me."
"Hi dead leaf, why are you still holding on the branch? Is the time still not right yet?"
"Hi tree, can you still feel the warmth of the sun even if there are termites feeding within you?"

She turned away from me when I ran into her. Wonder if it was because of that "BITCH" label, or because I specifically said something to the effect that I do not want THEM to cross my path again?

Movies this week

Watched 2 movies this week so far. "500 days of Summer" and "Paper Heart".

"500 days of Summer". Ah~ I think I have known her for about the same period too. The only difference is that I seemed to will the relationship to turn sour. Yes, at my will. Strangely after watching this, I can almost labeled her "BITCH". I can almost relate fully to the main cast. This arrangement of me watching the movie alone must have been heavenly made. (Well, my friend pulled off as he complained of some cold.)

Yes, I gave up my gentleman and chivalry, the persona I have been holding dearly. In fact, I hinted at it by posting the movie trailer and highlighted the "BITCH" part. Revenge feels sweet... I don't think I will ever regret this :)

"Paper Heart". Quite a slow paced movie without any climax. The interesting point is that you hear about the life stories of many couples, mostly successful. You get to hear their views of what True Love is. "What is hard with True Love is, it must work both ways". I liken this to a fairy tale.

Wish for a Stone Heart

I wish for the day when my heart hardens to stone...

This will be the day when the face smiles but the heart does not...
This will be the day when the eyes tear but the heart does not...

This will be the day when the voice laughs but the heart does not...

This will be the day when the skin felt the warmth but the heart does not...

This will be the day when the anger is only in the voice but not in the heart...

This will be the day when the heart shuts itself, unbreakable forever more...

Enlightenment...

This was a boring day again. Nothing urgent (except towards the evening) was pressing on me.

Started browsing for some tarot sites, because I did some readings this morning. The pain was getting more and more unbearable...

Came across this. This lady sure has some interesting associations and interpretations of the cards, although I felt she attached pretty much negative influence on some "well-liked" personalities. The cards that changed my feelings were the 6 Wands,10 Swords and 3 Swords.

In 6 Wands, her interpretation was "Forgiveness". It really touched me, and almost related to me.

As for 10 Swords, she put it in a fairly positive light. She described the pain as "highly magnified", since 10 swords are really too much to kill a man. How true! :)

3 Swords was interpreted with questions about love. I respected her statement "Love is not love when it is not returned". Thanks. I really need this at this moment...

Watched a fun movie this evening :)

The 3rd 3D movie I had watched, "Cloudy with a Chance of MeatBalls".

Simple plot, although some scenes I think are pretty scary for kids. It was rated "G" (for all audience) in my local area.

One of them was the roasted chickens which swallowed one of the characters, and the monkey "ripping out" the heart of a gummy bear. The greed of the mayor, which really made him BIG. All of these constitute towards the "mature-orientated" theme.

But I was pretty touched and impressed by the geek, who made a huge jelly for the girl. And the thoughtfulness he had when designing the interiors. The last scene really teared my eyes. Sorry that I am a cry baby :)

The ending animation was fun, too. It shows the closure for many characters and is styled in a psychedelic manner. One can only be reminded of the Beatles :)

One theme was also very prominent: the love between a father and his son.

Another day just ticked by...

I was feeling shitty again in the morning, probably from the "hangover" from the previous day. However, towards the evening, it started to clear up and things feel better.

She posted the same message on her FB again. I started to get curious now, or at least a little worried. Somehow, from that email incident, I started to see her as a "little girl", almost like most other girls I met so far. I tend to view these "little girls" as my "daughters" or younger sisters, and thus the "compassion" :)

I'm not sure now if I should leave her as she is, or to find out more... I'm afraid of getting too involved and repeating the same mistake...

Nightmares in the awaken state...

Today is really a bad day. I have been feeling shitty since morning, imagining things that may well never happened.

We had a group outing last week. I invited her to join us, and she agreed. To be frank, I was really disturbed with her looking at her phone periodically. And even more so with this idea of inviting her, since I was not completely sure if I had really put the past behind.

What I had heard that day, became the nagging today. I kept dreaming up scenarios of him leaving earlier at work so that they can meet together and go out. While this had not affected my job performance, it plagued my emotions. The lucky thing was that I need not have much contact with her, so I was spared with looking at her.

Later in the day, she wrote something in her FB with the effect of "asking for forgiveness". I wonder what that means. Maybe I will never know...

Meeting with a be-lated groom, 5 Oct 2009

This evening, I met an ex-colleague who had just held his wedding banquet last month. I wasn't able to attend it as it clashed with another banquet on the same day.

It was an impromptu appointment, as I had just heard from another ex-colleague that he was meeting him today. I guessed it was a good idea to join them too :)

His wife came too. I mean, it was not something bad or unexpected, since none of us had met his wife :), but they really looked good together. I am really happy for him, and them of course.

Heard that their coming-together progressed pretty fast. Started on a cruise, and by the end of it, they were holding hands. Well done, my friend :)

Can only say I am filled with envy, and blessed them with the sincerest from my heart...

The Day We Fell Out

Recalling back, it's been almost 2 months since I looked at her face. Everything changed since that evening...

That evening, I messaged her that I saw her with "someone I know". She replied with a ":-)". I replied with something of the effect of "Good bye and farewell". She did not reply.

Since then, for the following days, I had not talked to her, nor looked at her. I didn't know what got into her, but she wanted to talk it over with me... Frankly speaking, I was very PUZZLED. What was the point? I didn't really have anything to talk, nor the desire to hear from her.

Nevertheless, I obliged to her request, since I prided myself as a gentleman. It was mostly stuff of "sweet talking", as far as I can remember. Half of the time, I was in a trance-like state :)

What happened the next day was more "interesting". She followed up with an email, adding on to her "sweet talking". I was even more puzzled now. Why did she do this? Wasn't she awared that it was best to let time heal the pain, sore and the wound?

After 2 days of consideration, I decided to reply in a strong tone that I did not like what she did. Of course, I did this in a "clean and thoughtful" way, i.e. not fault finding. In a (selfish) way, I was more interested to see what she would reply. To me, this was already justice served.

What returned was almost like I had expected, albeit disappointing. She replied in almost a business-like manner, and obviously angrily and thoughtlessly. I had seen this coming, but it was still painful. It's karma in action, if I were to say. Yet I had not regretted, even until now. I still think this is the best way to settle this situation.

I wanted to tell her to learn to be more thoughtful, less childish. You cannot be pleasing everyone. Sometimes it's necessary to hurt and "kill", otherwise growth cannot happen. I do not know if ever she will get it, but I sincerely hope she does...

It's true that we were not in a relationship, but anyone can tell we are more than friends. Or maybe it was just my fantasy :) She should have rested the case, assured that I was just another jerk, another asshole in her life :)

New here :)

It has been just about a week from my recent birthday, so I decided that I should do something new this year :)

Firstly, I decided to align my "fiscal year" to my birth date.

Secondly, I took up a new hobby, sewing (and eventually I hope, tailoring). This is due to my vanity which grew tremendously ever since I started to learn grooming :)

Thirdly, the decision to start a blog (aka diary or just a mere record) again. It is not really something new, since I had also written a simple blog few years back. Somehow, I lost the interest back then :\

Well, it is almost 12 midnight in my local time. Signing off here.